Eat, for one day you shall be eaten.

MAXIWICH

Posted in Recipe by youwillbeeaten on February 11, 2009

Yesterday, JV brought the website This Is Why You’re Fat to my attention. It’s one of those awesome part freak show, part dare and part siren song corners of the world wide web, that successfully manages to ooze equal amounts of daring courage and inspiring self-loathing. It’s basically the kind of thing I can obsess over for hours. JV is a genius.

 

This Is Why Your Fat claims to be the place on the Information Superhighway were “dreams become heart attacks.” Certainly, many of the dishes featured on this site live up to this promise.

Take for example this 7 lbs. burrito:

3lbsburrito
Filled with potatoes, eggs, onions, and ham, then smothered in lots of cheese (processed, no doubt) on top and smothered in red chile sauce. I would sooooooooooooooooooooo eat an OJ sized breakfast burrito. 

Or, these Krispy Kreme Bacon Cheddar Cheeseburgers:

krispykremeburger

Pretty self explanitory… 

Or this doosey, The Double Bacon Hamburger Fatty Melt:

fattymeltMade from 3 grilled cheese and bacon sandwiches, used as bread. Then filled with two 4oz beef patties. Oh yeah, I’d let that fatty melt all over me!

I would gladly eat all of these things. Gladly. Even that donut one. I’m not kidding.

In fact, I’m pretty sure I’ve already (very willingly) consumed concoctions that would rival some of these examples of extreme gastronomy. Oh yes, I have eaten several MAXIWICHES!!!!!!

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Salus Populi est Suprema Lex

Posted in Wicked by youwillbeeaten on February 4, 2009

oj-scales

Last April my dog OJ was attacked by a Belgian Shepherd. 

OJ’s stats
Height: 12 inches
Weight 15 lbs.

the other dog’s stats:
Height: 26 inches
Weight: 70 lbs.

Needless to say, it wasn’t a fair fight. Little OJ ended up with some pretty nasty wounds, and had to receive emergency veterinary care. (I’ve posted some pictures of her injuries after the cut.)

Worse still, the guy who owned the other dog was a total D-Bag about the whole thing. He refused to acknowledge that any attack had occurred and he refused to give us his name and contact info. He seemed to think that by ignoring the incident it would just go away.  It did not, however.

With a little bit of work we eventually found out who he was and where he lived.

According  to The Law if your dog does the biting, your wallet must then do the paying–and our vet bills were astronomical (but worth every penny!). So, once we found his address we mailed him the bills and photos of OJ’s injuries and we kindly asked that he pay up. He refused– or, rather, did not respond to our letter.

So we took his ass to court–small claims court. We also lawyered up (it’s super handy to have multiple lawyer friends. Thank you, thank you, thank you for all of your help and hard work CV!). And today we were made whole again (read: we fucking won).

With the close of the fourth OJ trial  JUSTICE has, finally, been served. 

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There is a light…

Posted in Oddity, Wicked by youwillbeeaten on February 2, 2009

Some days you need to be reminded that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

This is just the kind of pick-me-up I needed!

Thanks FB.

there_is_light_at_the_end_of_the_tunnel

robots vs. couch potatoes vs. cheerleaders

Posted in Oddity by youwillbeeaten on February 1, 2009

I’m live blogging the Superbowl, bitches! Deal with it.

7:10pm. I don’t like that it’s written “Super Bowl” it should be “Superbowl”– all one word. It looks better and therefore seems like a more awesome event.

7:12pm Shiv calls the game for the Steelers– he just wants to watch Miss Marple. What kind of murder has happened this time in a quiet British village? Varela, any ideas?

7:14pm Football players have some craaaazy-ass hair and facial hair. I like it.

7:14pm Pope’s got some butter fingers

7:15pm OJ won’t stop barking. She does not approve of the SB. She also wants to watch Miss Marple’s Mysteries.

7:17pm Shiv is now redecorating the living room–Yes, that is a better spot for the coffee table. How long will the live blogging last???

7:18pm Steelers #43 has ah-ma-zing hair. It looks fucking’ good when he flies through the air, missing his target, and lands on his back.

7:20pm Breaston got STUFFED!!!!! Oh Snap!

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dat looks homo dog. no offense. but kazookeylele, dats ballin

Posted in Ephemera, Oddity by youwillbeeaten on February 1, 2009

Seriously ballin’. Check it:

K-ing to the max!!!

Posted in Wicked by youwillbeeaten on January 31, 2009

I’ve got a karaoke bar in my computer.

Any song in my iTunes playlist can be run through a karaoke program that will broadcast the song’s lyrics on to the TV, while also bringing down the volume on the singer’s track and replacing it with your microphoned voice. Combine this with downloading on the fly and you can sing ANY song your little heart desires, at any time of day. You don’t have to struggle to find something in that little book of songs (oh how I wish I knew Korean!) and you don’t have to worry about last call. That’s right folks, the future is now and the future fuckin’ rules! 

This high-tech karaoke system has been up and running at my place for just over a week, and we’ve already had a bunch of insane K-ing nights. These evenings have been filled with drinking and scream-singing well into the wee hours of the night. It’s actually starting to become a problem–once the k-ing starts it is impossible to end any time before 3:00am, no matter what time you got started. I’m pretty sure our neighbors are planning some kind of armed uprising against us and The System.

However, despite being able to sing almost any kind of song (from the wildly popular to the most obscure shit) I’ve noticed that I tend to want to sing the same songs over and over again–and that these songs are either karaoke standards, or, at the very least, are songs that your average karaoke joint is likely to have. I think I need to step outside of my K-ing komfort zone and try to sing some more craaaaazy shit. This is something I will spend the next week or so working on.

But, for the time being, I thought I’d try to come up with my top 5 karaoke standards–or at least my top 5 songs that are standardly available at most karaoke bars–in an attempt to figure out why I can’t seem to tear myself away from the cheese and the shlock. 

Here we go:

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Nine Tenths

Posted in Oddity by youwillbeeaten on January 30, 2009

Nine tenths of dog ownership involves bothering your dog.

image5

I didn’t make up these rules, its just the way shit goes. Trust me.

If your dog’s asleep, that’s when you should try to play with her. If you’re dog wants to play, that’s when you need to grab her and make her sit quietly beside you. If your dog is hungry, that’s when you need to savour a big juicy steak right in front of her. If your dog is barking, tell her to be quiet. If you dog is quiet, tell her to start barking. You get the picture.

I’ll post more about this later, including some useful h0w-tos. But for now (especially considering that I’m in a competitive blogging situation with JV) I’ll just show all you imaginary readers a couple of sweet dog torture photos:

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Two Ways to Get Yourself Going.

Posted in Recipe by youwillbeeaten on January 29, 2009

2006_3_211Since I lead a slovenly life, I often like to reward myself whenever I manage to do any little bit of work.

Today I managed to write a little bit (though, not nearly enough) and thought that I deserved a little treat. So I made myself a nice drink. 

This would, I reasoned, provide a necessary recompense for my little labours and encourage me to continue working long into the night (I’ll keep you posted on this front…). I opted for a Perfect Manhattan— since I was out of Champers and couldn’t make my favourite, a French 75.

I strongly recommend imbibing one (or both) of these concoctions to help get you over the week-day-work-day-blahs. Both are delicious, both are real pick-me-ups, and both can easily be made ahead of time and kept in a flask or pitcher so that they can be enjoyed at (or under) your desk. However, please be sure to pour fresh champagne into your French 75 base. 

The Perfect Manhattan was either invented at a bar on Broadway in the 1860s or at the Manhattan Club in NYC in the 1870s (via Wikipedia.) and it differs from a regular-ass Manhattan through the addition of dry vermouth to the standard whiskey and sweet vermouth recipe. It tastes crisper and cleaner that a standard Manhattan, which can sometimes feel a little too heavy and sweet. It’s a great drink to have in the early evening as you’re finishing up some work, or after a nice dinner.

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Beefin’ Up

Posted in Ephemera, Misc. by youwillbeeaten on January 28, 2009

fingertip-pushups_533a-1

I need more links for my Blogroll and Links sections. Do you job imaginary readers and post some suggestions in the comments section.

What’s all this?

Posted in Misc. by youwillbeeaten on January 28, 2009

This blog does not have a purpose.

I was thinking of maybe posting recipes, posting embarrassing photos and videos of my dog, posting reviews of Nick Cage movies, posting odes to Daniel Baldwin and James Woods, posting about vampires, posting about the uncanny, posting about the occult, posting about space exploration (as a waste of time), posting about wasting time, posting about wasting space, posting about ways to get around Google Books page restrictions, posting about learning After Effects, posting about my laptop’s ever-shortening battery life, posting about running, posting about playing soccer (poorly), posting about knife sharpening techniques, posting about my quest to get a gun license, posting about being harassed into getting a drivers license, posting about my folding bike with a perpetual flat tire, posting about my hair cuts, posting about my new love of hair mousse, posting about teaching my dog how to sneeze on command, posting about TV shows I like, posting about good shit on You Tube, posting about my inability to wake up before 11:30am, posting about why goths don’t get SAD, posting about, posting about homemade sausage…

This blog may very well address some, all, or even more than what’s listed above. However, in the end, I think it will primarily be used in service of :

In this spirit, I will make a concerted attempt to post something everyday–after all, I do have a thesis to complete.

Here are two things I’ve been spending time with, in an effort to avoid work: Splume and Cat Stacker .